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Welcome to the latest episode of the "She is Podcast"! But before we dive in, just a heads up: this podcast is intended for mature audiences only. The opinions expressed here are our own and don't reflect those of our employers or affiliates. And hey, stick around until the end for the bloopers and funny moments!

In this episode, we draw inspiration from a profound quote by Michelle Obama: "You should be with someone who wants you to win as much as you want them to win." Join us as we explore the concept of surrounding yourself with a team that supports and uplifts you. From romantic relationships to friendships and family dynamics, we discuss the importance of nurturing authentic connections that fill your cup rather than drain it.

We share our insights on setting expectations for relationships and learning to recognize when someone isn't adding value to your life. We delve into the nuances of negativity, highlighting the difference between occasional bad days and consistently toxic energy. Together, we unpack what it means to celebrate each other's successes and genuinely want the best for those in our lives.

So whether you're reassessing your inner circle or seeking to strengthen existing bonds, tune in to discover how to cultivate your own A-team. You're not alone on this journey, and we're here to be part of your community. Join Anna, Emily, Rachel, and Teresa as we navigate the ups and downs of life together.

Everything that I had to experience to finally understand that everything that I experienced isn't what I fucking served.

It took a lot of seeing and experiencing what I didn't deserve, whether it be from boyfriends and relationships to my experience with my mother.

There's been so many things to where honestly, my biggest outlook in life is like, if my kid doesn't deserve it, I don't deserve it.

Hey, everybody, my name is Anna, and I'm here with my three best friends, Emily, Rachael and Trisa, and this is The She Is Podcast.

You matched right today.

I did it, I did it.

I was not, I was not wrong when it comes to the number of people in the room.

Penelope is mad.

I thought, I was gonna say, I thought we had to determine who the fourth was.

Oh, okay, sorry.

Also, welcome Penelope, the cow.

So if you hear Rachael mooing at any time.

I can't see it.

I have no idea what's happening.

Oh, man.

Okay, so last week we had some really good recommendations, especially yours, Trisa.

The loom recommendation was a Coolio.

So what recommendations do you have this week, Trisa?

You know, I kind of had a boring week, so I don't know that I have any.

Don't have one?

I don't think I do.

Interesting.

What about you, Em?

So I actually recently got a book about, it's more of a journal.

There's a lot of different entries in it, but it is all about self love.

And I think I've always had like, thought I had a good concept of what it was.

And I was like, I know how to do all the things for myself.

I can go and buy myself something pretty.

I can get my nails done.

I can take time for myself.

But reading this has really put it into perspective that it's treating yourself like your best friend.

Just because you do something wrong, I'm not going to sit there and be mad at you about it or berate you about it.

It's okay.

You made a mistake.

But sometimes we don't give ourselves that forgiveness.

And so it's been interesting so far.

Do you remember the title of it?

It, I do have it.

It is a self-love workbook for women.

It release self-doubt, build self-compassion, and embrace who you are.

It is by Megan Logan, and it's from Amazon.

That is what I would like for my half birthday, please.

Oh, we celebrate the half birthdays, Rachael.

No, Rachael's just a bitch who's obsessed with her birthday.

And so I like to share it with people when it's not even my actual birthday.

I was probably like $9.

I think we can, I think we-

Maybe we should all get one.

The same book?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

It's like a weird book club.

I will share the link.

Okay, cool.

In the group chat?

Yes.

Great.

What about you, Rachael?

You got a recommendation this week?

Oh yeah, I do.

Huh, I knew I had one.

So, my brain.

Anywho, mine is therapy, guys.

I'm a huge fan of therapy, quite frankly.

I think everybody should be in it, doing it.

It's the coolest thing to do.

However, there is merit in finding your right therapy friend.

I think the word for that is therapist.

Anywho, I've done it before, and it got to the point where my therapist was giving me anxiety about going to therapy, which defeats the whole purpose.

Yeah.

Anywho, so now I found one that I really like.

Her name is Pauline.

She works for Central Psychological Services.

It's on the South Side.

If you're a South Sider, I'm a huge fan.

I see her once every two weeks, or the second and fourth week of some, I don't know, I make things up.

It's like two times a month, and she's great.

And so I've been working with her for just over a year now.

I think I started last January, and maybe she's not your person, but maybe I have to believe that there's somebody out there for you, because I think it's great to have a disinterested third party to bounce things off of, or to talk about things, or to unpack things.

Because your friends take a vested interest, or your family take a vested interest, or maybe you want to talk about those people.

Whatever.

And they're a nice sounding board, so.

Mine is therapy.

Do you think that, do you guys go through something very specific?

I know you have shared in your bio and stuff like that with everybody, that you are somewhat newly divorced.

And I don't know how long you get to call it newly divorced, but do you guys specifically focus on anything or do you get to talk about anything?

You use the word anything a lot, Anna, but we're gonna work backwards.

Anywho, so when I first started, also, let's back up.

Fun fact, my final bio that is actually the one that you posted the other day has nothing in there about being recently or newly divorced.

Oh, oh my gosh, so I'm just mixing it up.

Rachael 2.0.

It did say Rachael 2.0, but no one knows why.

Maybe I have another kidney.

Sorry, you guys weren't invited to the party.

Yeah, no, it was a good one.

It's probably best that you weren't invited to the party.

But anyway, so yes, the underlying information there is Rachael 2.0 is post-divorce, and as newly divorced, I've been thinking about that because it hasn't yet been a year since it's been final.

So that'll be the end of March.

So from that perspective, that's kind of what started my therapy journey with my current lady friend named Pauline.

She can't say lady friend.

Not when you're referencing your therapist.

You're gonna get her.

People are gonna come looking for a lady friend.

Rachael, why do you look so confused?

It's one of those massage parlors.

Thank you about therapy.

No, she's a professional.

This ended a happy ending.

I feel better when I leave.

So the answer is yes.

The answer is yes.

I feel better when I leave.

But no, in all seriousness, Pauline's top notch.

And it's not one of those weird like touch me, feel me kind of therapies, you psychopaths.

But it is touch my soul.

It's like clean up my soul with the Windex.

Get after it.

Windex.

I think that's a good recommendation, though.

I mean, I've done therapy as well.

And to answer Anna's question, that it's not necessarily you go in and you talk about anything it can be, but it also can be very structured in the fact that maybe you need tools in your box to help you deal with certain things or to recognize certain triggers in your body.

Once you know those things, you can unpack your tools.

I could literally sit here for a whole episode worth to talk about the things I've learned in the last year with Pauly.

The other day when I was squirreling, and you guys were like, why are you on the floor?

I was having anxiety.

I was on the verge of a panic attack.

And thanks to the two of you, but also the tools that Pauly has given me, I was able to prevent a massive meltdown on my floor.

So yes, like Trisa said, you can talk about anything.

The divorce is kind of what spurned me to go back to therapy because I knew I needed help.

I knew I needed tools to help deal with that and work on myself because I knew how important that was to me.

But I've evolved the last episode, no, the last week that I went there with her.

I guess they're episodes.

I don't know.

We talked about my dad.

That feels weird.

The lack thereof.

The guy that was there once to share DNA.

The guy that inseminated your mother.

That seemed like the right terminology.

I'm just being fair.

At least I didn't come out of a Petri dish, I guess.

Maybe that would have been better.

It's kind of like it did though.

There was only one of me.

One of one person.

Me and my mom.

It made more sense in my head.

Could you imagine if there was more than one of me?

What if I was a twin?

My dad was a twin.

I could have had twins.

I think the world would probably be a better place with two Rachels.

Oh, absolutely not.

It would be even bigger of a dumpster fire.

Absolutely not.

It would explain our fourth.

It would be really loud.

It's the twin that I ate.

That's Penelope.

Penelope is the twin.

Penelope is the twin that I ate.

I don't like that Penelope is actually a cow puppet.

We're going to look for one of those on Amazon too.

A cow puppet?

Just to sit right here.

Yeah, I like that idea.

Actually, no, we don't have to look.

I have a stuffed cow, stuffed animal in my ass.

I'll just bring her in next time.

But she's not a puppet.

I could probably cut a hole in her ass.

Oh, OK, fine.

As long as you do that, that's fine.

OK, so my recommendation is not as self-developmenty.

It is so silly.

I drink caffeine every day.

It's an addiction.

It's a problem.

But right now, my favorite flavor is like a peach Elani.

And so if I could recommend a drink to you, it would be a peach Elani.

But here is the secret.

If you like to drink, I'm a whiskey girl.

Anna likes whiskey.

You say that like you're expecting us to judge you.

That's cool.

And so if you take peach crown, peach Elani, Sprite Earth Sprite Zero, up to you, and you mix it all together.

Delicious.

You got a little bit of energy.

You got a little whiskey in your system.

A little bit of both.

So, Anna, is peach Elani like an energy drink or is it OK?

Yes.

And all of the Elanis are really good, actually.

Not all of them.

OK, maybe not all of them.

What is that?

Hawaiian shaved ice?

The way that started, I literally thought you were going to say Hawaiian shaved ass, and I was like, you just said it tasted like a butthole and then you started to say it like did you not know it was in the name?

It is actually they misspelled ass when they wrote a Hawaiian shaved ice.

They actually meant Hawaiian shaved ass.

You're welcome.

Oh, remix by Rachael.

Hawaiian shaved ass, ass.

Shaved ass.

OK, so on the last episode, we talked about writing our bios and we talked about essentially it evolved into this conversation of a snippet of worthiness, a little like flavor.

And Rachael had this really profound quote that was like, I exist, therefore, I am worthy.

And when we were shaping this week's content, it seemed pretty natural to talk about, like, not, not, my pen's stuck in my hair.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Yeah, this is why Anna can't have pens apparently.

what I didn't want to talk about is, like, finding your worthiness.

Or, or, like, deciding if you're worthy, because the statement in and of itself, I exist, therefore I am worthy, says you exist, so therefore you are worthy.

what it did do is it made me start thinking about times in my life where I didn't feel like I was worthy.

And whether it was worthy of financial success, of love, of acceptance, of a compliment, a friendship or grace or whatever.

And all the different ways in which I had to learn to overcome that thought pattern of I don't think I deserve this.

I don't think I should have this sort of compliment or this sort of treatment or I didn't work hard enough to earn it.

And so what I wanted today's conversation between us to kind of talk about like, I think we all have had moments in our life where we didn't feel worthy.

And we all had to like develop a system or a thought process or we had to come up with a theory or something in our mind that sort of debunked this idea that we weren't worthy.

And so that's what I want to talk about today.

And since you, Rachael, had that quote last week, I want you to lead this conversation.

Alright.

So honestly, mine could be a day to day thing.

Honestly, it really could because there are days where I'm like, I've got this in the bag.

And then there are days where I'm like, did I remember to put my pants on right?

Like, we all know how Rachael feels about pants, and for those of you who don't, you will come to know very, very soon.

I think that they're the bane of the world's existence.

Anywho, so literally, I think the worthiness question kind of shifts ebbs and flows regularly.

But do you think it's really daily?

Like, do you think you maybe question your worth or whatever each day?

Do you think it is that fluid?

There's no wrong answer.

I think probably.

And I think for myself, that's based on a number of things.

personally have my own struggles with anxiety and depression.

So sometimes I just ain't wanting to people.

You know what I mean?

So from that perspective, I'm like I don't want to do this.

You know what I mean?

So from that from that angle, it may not be daily about everything, but then I suffer.

And I think a lot of women are going to get this one when I say it out loud from imposter syndrome.

So I haven't really talked a whole lot about what I do.

Obviously, this is only episode two.

So how much have I said about anything?

But anyway, here we are.

I practice the laws on a daily basis.

I'm an attorney, worked really fricking hard to get here.

the industry is not dominated by a lot of women.

I love it when I encounter them, and I love it when I find strong women in the industry.

But on the whole, especially what I do, I work with older folks.

And so you see a lot of crusty old white men, if I'm being completely honest.

Like a lot.

They're usually like one million years old.

Or have some sort of archaic way of looking at the world.

The first gal I worked for told me that she always used to get confused for the court reporter.

And I was like, surely to God, they don't still do that.

And then I was going to a deposition, and because I have severe anxiety about being late to things, especially work related things, I was early as per usual for that kind of stuff.

And so I rolled in and I had my arms full of crap.

And I was there to set up and make sure I get things squared away.

And I ran into one of the other attorneys at the-

we were going to opposing counsel's office for this deposition.

And so that per-

not the opposing counsel, but another attorney in his firm was getting ready to leave as I was entering the building.

And so he saw that my hands were full and he opened the door.

And I said, hey, can you tell me where I'm supposed to be for such and such deposition?

And he said, oh, are you the court reporter?

And I said, no, I'm actually one of the attorneys.

And I had been a practicing attorney at that point for like a year and a half.

So I was what?

27-ish, give or take.

I don't even know how old I am anymore.

Whatever.

We'll say 27 for sake of argument.

And I hadn't been doing this excessively long, right?

So I was relatively green.

And I said, no, I'm one of the attorneys.

And he could not apologize enough or fast enough.

He was like, oh my god, I am so sorry.

He was like, let's go talk to this lady and see what you're going to be.

And I was like, it's fine.

I said, I know I'm relatively young and I'm a woman, but no, I'm the attorney.

Thanks.

What was funny was all three women on my side of the case, all three attorneys on my side of the case were women, and I was like, there are more than one of us.

But anyway, so from that, we're out there.

There are three practicing female attorneys.

But I will have to say, I've had the privilege of working for and with some really powerful women attorneys.

But I do suffer from imposter syndrome.

So yeah, there are days where I'm like, who in God's name is going to sit here and listen to me tell you, tell them what they should do with their money or with their assets or how they should plan for their future?

Sure.

What?

So from that perspective, I deal with it there in my daily work life.

I have my own other set of struggles in terms of like, I've always struggled with my weight.

And so I've never been a small human.

Quite frankly, I've been this size.

Not that you can see me sitting down covered in a lot of sweatshirts, but I've been this size since I was 12.

So I was a massive 12 year old.

Not like same weight, but like I've been this tall since I was 12.

So imagine if you will, just for a moment, when Rachael was still playing basketball because she thought that was fun, she was the center.

That's the biggest one on the basketball team, kids.

On purpose.

They put me in the middle of the court on purpose.

Like, you know, at the beginning of a basketball game where somebody jumps the ball, that was me.

In what universe would that be a good idea now?

Never.

No, absolutely not.

So I was a massive 12 year old, like throw some bows in a basketball game.

But anyway, but I have never been thin.

Standard beauty definition of thin or small.

And so even now, I struggle with that.

Compliments, I'm like, but what are you doing?

Like, why would you say those things?

Why would you tell me those things?

So from that perspective, kind of back to what you said with your recommendation, Emily, like self-worth, self-love.

However, as part of Rachael 2.0, I have found a whole gaggle of humans, mostly men, that like me just the way I am.

Like, there is a group, there's somebody out there for everybody.

It takes all kinds of kinds.

And I'm not saying that I derive my worth from men.

Let us be very clear.

Let me be very, very clear.

That is not what I'm saying in the slightest.

But I am saying that not once, maybe a half a time, but not one whole time have I ever felt like that was going to be a hindrance.

And I make no qualms about it.

I don't mince words.

I'm like, if you're looking for some five-seven to five-nine blonde standard beauty definition of pretty, I ain't it.

I was like, I've got some thick thighs with a couple extra Cs up in there.

You know what I mean?

And I have been very well received.

And I'm like, okay, super.

You know what I mean?

So from that perspective, it's affirming.

I think that absolutely.

Yeah, you're not finding your worth in the compliments of others or of men or the acceptance of, you know, somebody thinking that you're attractive, but it definitely is affirming.

So, you know, you say, you know, my weight has been something that's like, I don't know, like a point where you felt like maybe you weren't worthy of love or worthy of being sexy or whatever.

And just having someone affirm like, hey, yes, you are.

I think that feels good.

Absolutely.

What else?

You know, because I think you could take any number of those things, whether it was being in a male predominant profession or it could be weight.

Those are things that's not uncommon for women to feel unworthy in those spaces.

That's pretty common.

So aside from like getting it from other people, what have you done?

I know I'm going to sound like a broken record.

Therapy.

But then, so like as much as I spend time in therapy, part of Rachel 2.0 has been this really sometimes fun journey of self-reflection, which I had never done a ton of before, and I don't know why, but I've spent a lot of time working and thinking with myself like why didn't I think I was cool?

Or like why didn't I think that I was pretty or that I was funny or that I was smart?

Enough.

Why?

Like what led me to think I wasn't enough?

And so as much as I ended the last episode with that quote, I have genuinely come to believe that and it's taken me a really fucking long time to get there.

And there are days where I still question it.

But like I have to go back to the conversation that I had with my therapist because we were talking about Worth one day and she said, so where does your worth come from?

And I was like, I just, I ran down this list and I was really proud of myself when my list was done.

I was like, I'm intelligent as fuck.

Look at the things I've done.

Like I graduated from law school.

That was terrible.

Don't ever do that.

I passed the bar.

I graduated with honors from college.

I graduated with like a 4.2 from high school.

Like I am a smart human being.

I read something once, I read like a turtle, but I read something once and I'll probably retain it.

I'm not directionally challenged.

You take me somewhere one time in a car and I can get you back there, baby.

Like I pay attention.

I'm observant.

I'm witty.

And I know that people are like, oh, you're funny.

And I'm like, no, bitch.

I don't want to just be funny.

I want to be witty because that means you're smart funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Smart funny.

And I know that that sounds dumb, but like there are people that don't always get it.

They're stupid funny.

Low hanging fruit funny.

That was fucking clever.

There's nothing wrong with that.

One of my past relationships used to say that you can't be, he's like, Rachael, you can't be smart and pretty and funny.

I have to have something, so I'm going to be the funny one.

And I came to realize that the reason he didn't think I was funny was because he didn't get it.

Like, he wasn't following the wit.

Because I have encountered enough people as Rachael 2.0 that they're like, yeah, no, you're funny.

And I'm like, I know, it's fine.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm not a conceited bitch all the time.

But so from that perspective, I was running down this list of things with Pauline, and she's like, those are great.

Those are great things to be.

And I'm not taking away from any of them, but she said, none of those, none of those have anything to do with making you worthy.

And I was like, what?

I'm sorry, what?

Like, society has told me I have to do X, Y and Z, or it has been expected of me to do whatever it is I think I should.

You know what I mean?

Like, whether it be the way you were raised or the people you spend time with, you're expected to do something or to say something or to look a certain way.

None of those are relevant for me to derive my worth.

And so I know that you said we can't say, why are you worthy simply because you exist?

But for me, that was so big, but at the same time, so fundamental.

It's almost like on a molecular level, right?

It doesn't seem big when you say the sentence, but then you spend time chewing on how Rachael had been defining herself as worthy up until that point, and it was all of those things.

Well, if I don't have all of those things, obviously I'm not worthy of love, or I'm not worthy of appreciation, or I'm not worthy of respect.

No, no, no.

Yeah, that's interesting to me.

Actually, that's really interesting to me in how I framed this, right?

So I literally said, how have you helped yourself realize worth, and I wanted it to be deeper than that.

But maybe it doesn't have to be that way.

I think that's really easy to say.

You said it yourself when you started, that worthiness is a struggle every day.

And so to think that just because you exist, you're worthy, that is a cool concept.

But man, that has to be a daily practice.

I feel like you have to do that, because every day we come across something different that's going to make you question that.

Am I worthy?

I made this mistake.

Do I deserve this?

There are so many things that happen every day, or emotions that we can't even explain.

Sometimes we're in a bad mood, because we are just in a bad mood.

You can't explain these things.

Or unmotivated.

Man, I hate when I feel unmotivated, because I'm like, oh, you're a failure.

I'm like 0 to 60.

I can do absolutely nothing, or I can never sit the fuck down.

I'm just like, why did I start this?

Now I have to finish it.

Right, right.

Okay, Trisa's over here typing on her phone, and now I need to know.

So tell me, tell me Trisa's thoughts.

So at the beginning of this, Anna, you had talked about, when you were introducing what we were going to talk about, you had mentioned different levels of unworthiness.

Like maybe you think like you're not pretty, or maybe you feel like you didn't deserve the good grade, or whatever it might be that there's different levels.

And it struck me because when you mentioned that, or mentioned what we were talking about when we were planning this, you said, when you said we're talking about worthiness, I thought immediately in my mind, like beauty.

Like I didn't think about other topics, I guess.

And so what came to my mind is when I got divorced, and I went back into the dating world, and it blew my mind that people thought I was pretty.

Yes, Trisa.

Literally, there are so many days where he's like, damn, and I'm like, are you talking to me?

Me?

Are you sure?

Yeah, that's exactly how I felt.

I remember texting my best friend saying, this is literally boggling my mind, and she's like, where have you been?

People have always thought that about you, and I never realized that.

It takes me back to when we went to the Smiley Prom last year, and after that, we were at a bar, and I remember walking with Emily to the bathroom, and Emily might not remember.

I also wasn't there, and I was like, what the fuck?

Are you talking about?

But there was some random girl in the bathroom, and I was just standing in there waiting for Emily to go to the bathroom, and she was just going on and on about how pretty I was, and it wasn't even a male, it was a girl, and she was like, girl, you have it going on.

I'm telling you, if you ever feel bad about yourself, go into a bar and go in the girl's restroom.

Yeah.

You will 100%.

You're like, yes, girl.

You'll also make a lot of unnecessary new friends.

And she said something to Emily.

She said she doesn't know that she's pretty.

She said that to Emily about you?

Yeah, about me.

And it struck me.

I was like, what is making this stranger realize this about me?

And she's never met me before.

She's never seen me before.

I don't know who she is.

How does she know how you perceive yourself so obviously?

Cutting you to the quick, just like that.

Yeah.

And so it really struck me.

And so I've been on this journey of trying to accept when people think and say nice things about me, about what I look like, because my body has changed so much.

When I was in school, when I was in high school, I was very active.

I was small, but I didn't know that I was.

I've never had that concept.

And oftentimes you'll hear women say, I wish I knew I looked like that back then.

Yes.

And I didn't know how beautiful I was, but it doesn't change just because my body changed.

It doesn't change really my beauty.

But I've had a child.

My mental health has struggled.

I was on medication that changed my weight.

I've gotten divorced and lost weight.

You know, our bodies ebb and flow, but that doesn't change our beauty.

But in this journey, I've tried to accept recently, like how beautiful somebody says that I am.

And now that, you know, I have a partner that tells me that every single day.

I'm like, I don't know how I feel about that.

It's so hard to be able to see yourself through somebody else's eyes.

But once you do, you fucking get it.

Yeah, you see yourself the way that everybody else has been able to the whole time.

You're like, oh, OK.

Yeah, you can look at yourself in the mirror and be like, I look pretty today.

Yeah, I'm still working on that, I think.

Yeah, but I'm striving to get there.

Yeah, no, I think that it's interesting to me that immediately you went to beauty and worthiness of like, I guess, the compliments or the acceptance of your appearance.

And obviously that comes from your own concerns for or I guess, what's the word I'm looking for?

Your own insecurities, right?

Like you feel like you didn't see yourself like that.

And so accepting that, right, right.

And so then accepting that or or I guess seeing yourself like that is probably difficult.

And that's where your mind goes with worthiness.

But, you know, I think for myself, for me, I had kids young.

I had three kids before I was 21, before my 21st birthday.

Yeah.

And like I was set up.

No, no, I set my life up to fail.

I set myself up to fail by having kids so early, by marrying someone who like it was his job to provide.

And I was very reliant.

And so then navigating divorce was really scary.

And it was really scary from like a financial standpoint and from an education standpoint.

I'll never forget.

He told me, you'll be nothing without me.

I'm sorry.

I'll never forget it.

I remember where I was.

I remember everything about it.

And that was his that was his statement to me.

And I know it comes from fear and like we've moved on and can talk and like have friendship.

But that stuck with me.

And I already knew I was a good mom.

And not in like a conceited way.

I modeled as a kid.

And so like I got told all the time that I was pretty.

And whether I like believed it or not, I knew other people thought it.

And so that wasn't really what lived in my mind.

What lived in my mind was like, I'm dumb.

And I also will amount to nothing.

I will be no one.

And I think that for me, worthiness was this like journey of discovering like, I don't need anyone else to pay my bills.

I don't need anybody else to like go learn something.

And for me, that's where, that's where whenever I'm going to deal with worthiness issues, it's not always, but it's most often related to that.

Like if I'm not understanding a concept, or if I am not advancing in my career, or if I'm not doing enough in that way, then I'm like, oh shit, like this is this, that he was right.

And so I think for me, I've had to like prove it to myself regularly, all the time.

Like coming up with the next idea, learning something new.

Like I have to keep, it's an active, almost daily practice of something to prove to myself that I'm not going to be nothing without my ex-husband.

And so for me, worthiness is like, it's in providing and learning and being a rounded person because he pretty much preached to me that I was like something pretty to look at.

And that was it.

Okay, Rachael has her finger up because she's holding a thought.

What is it?

Do you want to go first?

I'm about to piss my pants.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

Emily's peeing.

Emily's peeing.

I'm so sorry.

No, you're fine.

It was intense.

I was holding it.

My urine was intense.

Kegels.

Thank God for your fingers.

You're welcome.

I mean, your finger that you were holding up that signaled that you had something to say because that meant I got.

Thank God for your fingers.

That's not the first time I've heard that.

You and your special friends.

I've got ten of them, baby.

You and your lady friends.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so let's pick it up.

So Rachael has a thought.

I do have a lot of money.

I do.

So I took a lot away from the conversation that you just shared with us.

And thank you for doing that, quite frankly.

But the one thing that I think stuck with me came as a combo from your comment and your bio, because Anna, in your bio, you said something about I love to be underestimated.

Like if it could be one of my hobbies, it would be.

Yeah.

Right.

So and I just think it's funny how that specific memory or that specific instance was pivotal for you, right?

It was pivotal for you, because clearly to this day, you still remember it.

And then another very important part of your personality is try me, bitch.

Like fuck around and find out kind of shit.

You know what I mean?

Like in the sense that, yeah, go ahead.

You sit in your seat and underestimate me, you haughty asshole.

Right.

Like, okay, let's hold my beer kind of thing.

Right.

And so I just think it's wild that, A, he thought he had the right.

Sure.

To let words like that fly out of his mouth.

Whether he was just trying to cut you and hurt you or whether he legitimately believed it or not.

I know neither one of you are the same people that you used to be.

Some turned out much better than the other ones evolution.

We don't drink our pee, people.

But anyway, whatever.

I'm just saying.

If you have to edit that, I will allow it.

I was like, oh, fuck.

Anyway, so I think the number one takeaway is that the fact that he thought he could say such things.

Fuck you, sir.

And then the fact that that's what stuck with you.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the fact that that stuck with you, because look how much it's driven you and look how much it's caused you to be like, watch me, watch this.

So now you have four thriving medium sized humans.

You have a day job, but then you have like 86 side hustles, some of which are your own business.

You have never not been willing to learn something new or share something that you learned new.

And I would like to think that your random facts are useful, whereas mine are not.

They could make you better, more productive members of society if Anna shares a random fact with you rather than the things Rachael keeps in her brain.

But you know what I mean?

I think it's interesting.

I don't necessarily know that I have some profound thought about it, but I just find it interesting that that was such a big pivotal comment, right?

And then almost like in spite of that, or to spite him, I don't know, man.

Look at all the cool shit you've done since then.

And the other thing I think is super interesting is we, and Emily hasn't dove deep enough into where her things are coming from, and I know we're going to get there, I'm sure.

But I think it's interesting that the three of us that's kind of shared, myself, Anna and Trisa, all of our views on worth have come from different spots.

Now, we may have some strange combination of all of those things.

Like, I see the beauty thing, I have clearly struggled with that my whole life, but more from a weight standpoint.

Oh, you chunky, you can't be cute.

Underestimate me.

Yeah, you are an only child, or the child of a single parent.

Clearly, you're going to drop out of school and end up in a drug-addled alleyway somewhere.

Johnson for your next fix.

None of those things are who I am on the whole, but we've all worried about that.

You know what I mean?

We've all had similar questions of worth, but I think it's interesting how your brain jumped there first, Trisa, and your brain jumped to where yours did.

Anna, I'm honestly curious.

Emily, where was yours?

For me, it was everything that I had to experience to finally understand that everything that I experienced isn't what I fucking deserved.

Sure.

The whole concept of deserve is a weird fucking thing.

And we talked earlier about how treating yourself with like your best friend.

That's something I expect so much more from my boyfriend or from my friend's boyfriends than I have from my boyfriend's.

I look at them in absolutely no way.

You do not deserve that.

And I'm like, it was just once.

It's fine.

We can pass over it.

And it took a lot of seeing and experiencing what I didn't deserve, whether it be from from boyfriends and relationships to my experience with my mother.

There's been so many things to where, honestly, my biggest outlook in life is like, if my kid doesn't deserve it, I don't deserve it.

That's fair.

I had not a bad childhood.

My father was fantastic.

My mother was questionable at best.

She came out better for it at the end, but not soon enough to be able to make up for everything that was done.

And that became a driving force.

The father of my son is a great father.

He wasn't a good person for me, and that's okay.

But my biggest thing is, I saw my dad put up with it, and I thought to myself, I cried to my dad, just leave.

You deserve better.

My kid's not going to do that.

I will see it before my kid has to look me in the eye and try and convince me that I'm worthy of something that I deserve.

I deserve the way that I treat other people.

I will open a door for a stranger.

I will stand there for an awkward amount of time because I made eye contact with somebody across the parking lot, and now I feel like I have to hold the door open.

I'm not...

I see things that...

like you mentioned something that you need, and I come across it, and I'm like, I want to get it for you.

Not because I feel like I need to buy you something or it's your birthday, but because it made me think of you, and I know that you need it.

Right.

That's what I deserve.

I deserve what I give.

Right.

It's hard to find it, but I'll wait.

Right.

I'll wait.

And if it takes my kids seeing that I can do it all by myself, like Rachael had to sit there and watch her mom do it, I'll do it because my son is not going to have the same outlook that I grew up with.

Dude, I fucking love that so much.

And I'm sitting here with goose pimples, and that doesn't happen very often.

And so I know that all three of you, and I know this isn't like a parenting podcast because that's not what we're doing here.

And Lord knows I will curtail that real quickly if that's the rabbit hole we fall down.

However, all of you either are or have been single parents, right?

I'm not a parent.

I love all of your children as their feral aunt.

They deserve weird people in their life.

I'll be the resident weirdo.

And I'm fine with that.

But as a child of a single parent, I see bits and pieces of my mother in each and every one of you.

And one of the things that I see in you that I hadn't really clicked together until you just said what you said was if Brantley doesn't deserve it, I don't either.

And one of the things that as the byproduct of a single parent, and the way that my mom did what she did, I was so grateful that she made the sacrifices that she did, because don't get me wrong, I learned a lot earlier about some of the hard shit that kids may or may not need to know about.

But that also, as a medium-aged child or an older adult, I have come to appreciate the things that I didn't realize in real time she was doing for me.

And by that I mean, she was it.

There was no co-parenting.

It was just mom.

She made the sacrifices necessary to send me to a good school.

She made the sacrifices necessary to pay for daycare or after school care or the thousands of sports programs that I chose to participate in.

Remember that basketball thing?

No, and apparently I'm a clumsy bitch, and I didn't know that until about a year ago.

I am almost 32.

Center boy.

Yeah, I was the center on the motherfucking basketball team, and I didn't know I was a klutz.

And my mom goes, how did you not know?

But I digress.

So one of the things that I'm most grateful for is that I didn't know that I was missing something.

Everybody's like, well, didn't it feel weird?

Didn't it feel strange?

Yeah, or that my situation was different.

And the answer to that is no, because I had moms.

A mom.

I only had one mom.

Let me be clear.

One mom.

But I had a mom that was like each and every one of you in the sense that she was enough.

She was enough, but she also taught me that I deserved better.

I deserved greatness, because there was a particular situation where she wasn't being treated the way I thought she should be treated by another human being.

And it bothered me, and I sat with it for quite some time.

And finally, one evening, I'd had enough.

In my opinion, obviously, others could disagree, but in my opinion, this particular person was treating her with disrespect, even on the verge of verbal and possibly emotional abuse.

He wasn't dumb enough to actually lay a hand on her, because I think she may have killed him given the opportunity.

But I had the conversation with her, and I said, Mom, I said, if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was in this situation, which lo and behold, not too long thereafter, I was in a similar situation.

I said, if I was in the situation you're in right now, you would have killed me by now, Mom, because you would not have put up with it.

You would have said, you deserve to be treated like a queen, whether that be from your friends, from your significant other.

But she raised me to know that I deserve to be treated that way.

And that's exactly, you may not have said it that way, but that's exactly what I just heard you say.

He will never have to deal with some of the same shit that you had to deal with because you have raised him in a way to know that he deserves better than that.

He's not even going to know it's an issue because you are sheltering him from that and because you have come to understand that you yourself are worthy and thereby you're going to make damn sure he's square.

Oh man, and if any kid knows he's fucking worthy, it's Brantley, the same kid that was on the news.

Like, yeah, I have a girlfriend.

What about it?

Literally direct quote.

And at first, I wasn't sure it was Emily's kid.

And then I was like, that was the most...

Oh wait, that just came out of his mouth?

I was like, that's Brantley.

I'm over there like, no way, they'd make me sign like a waiver or something.

And she's like, no, that was your kid.

And I was like, he was telling the truth?

Yeah.

Like, oh, he's on the news.

God damn it.

Why are you on here saying this shit?

He's literally on the news.

Like, yeah, I have a girlfriend.

What about it?

Literally, when it comes to worthiness, that's like the epitome of teaching a child he's worthy.

He's like, how are you even questioning this?

Why wouldn't I have a girlfriend?

Have you met me?

Yeah.

Rich Nye from Channel 13.

Why wouldn't I have a girlfriend?

Do you know who I am?

I'm Brantley, obviously.

So there's that.

I would like to point out that the red curve wall out there says he wrote it out there and he showed it to me and I didn't see it and it says, Emily, I'm so glad to be your son.

Are you kidding me?

No, and there's something very inappropriate written next to it, but we're going to focus on what he wrote.

The walls are questionable here.

That's right.

That's right.

I think that what's important every episode, every time is that we offer our own perspective of a takeaway.

And for me personally, my takeaway is pretty easy.

I think that self-worth and worthiness for me is a practice.

I think that you have to practice it, and I think that's what I've learned.

Whether it's you practice it by proving it to yourself, you practice it by telling yourself writing it.

I don't know.

Everybody's different in that regard.

But for me, I hope that what you take away from everything I said is you can go out and be whoever the fuck you want to be.

And you can feel how you feel, you can look how you look, and you're beautiful for it, and you're smart, and you're wonderful, and you gotta practice telling yourself that.

So that's my takeaway.

I know Trisa's got thoughts, because I can see them.

I can see them.

I need to know them.

Well, Emily had said that she will stick up for her best friend in a way that their boyfriend has to...

She's got standards for her best friends.

And not necessarily hasn't always had those for herself.

And it reminded me...

I don't remember where I read it or saw it, but it was talking about how you should talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend.

And in a worthiness standpoint, I've said that out loud to other people.

When they talk bad about themselves, I'll say, don't talk about my best friend like that.

And I need to remember that every day.

I think that's my takeaway is that I need to remember to talk to myself like I would talk to each of you.

That's a big brained idea right there.

Yeah, I like it.

My good friend trousers would say that's some big brained shit.

In case if anyone's not translating, that means it's a good idea.

It's using all the synapses up in here.

I like it.

All cylinders are fiery.

I think for me, it was definitely that everyone has their own definition of worthiness.

For me, it was this is what I think it is, and I was like a one track mind.

I wasn't going here.

I wasn't going here.

And we have these four views, but that's not all of them.

There are so many people out there that are going to be like, what are they talking about?

It's this.

And there are going to be so many different viewpoints out there that like even just, you know, describing our, the way that we see things, like there's so many different ways that people are going to view or perceive that worthiness, whether it be yours, someone else's.

Yeah, the way that they're going to find their worthiness.

Yeah, that's good.

What about you, Rachael?

Do you have a takeaway?

I wish I could say that it was different than when we started this conversation.

But it's that molecular level for me, because I, like I said, I constantly question.

I'm constantly wondering.

I'm constantly worried.

It's not always at the forefront of my brain, but it's something that crosses my mind about something I do almost every single day.

But if I come back to just...

I exist, man.

I got the fart out of bed this morning.

That's enough.

Yeah, I'm here.

I, I am here.

I am me.

I am here.

And as long as I do that, I know that that sounds really silly, but it took me such a long time to get there, that I have...

sometimes I just have to remind myself that my mere existence is enough.

All you have to do is show up.

I think that's really beautiful to think about, though, if you think about different mental health points.

Like, if you think about depression, like sometimes you...

There were days that I could only brush my teeth, and that was my accomplishment for the day.

There's a meme that I have seen I don't know if it's a meme or a cartoon or whatever the fart you want to call it, but it's two women, and they're in a cafe, and they decide to go get coffee, and they are clearly longtime friends.

And one of them says, Hey, I just got a promotion today.

And her friend says, I am so proud of you.

And then the girl on the other side of the table said, I actually got out of bed today.

And her other friend says, I am so proud of you.

So from that perspective, I think that kind of it's a practice, man.

It's so many of these things all rolled into one, right?

How small?

Yeah, it doesn't matter what it is.

It doesn't matter how you define it.

But at its core, we are enough.

Yeah.

I like that.

I'm not really one for tattoos.

I was talking to your small human earlier about it.

Needles and I, not Simpatico.

You're welcome.

There's your Rachel Fun Fact for the day.

But I have never more considered a tattoo than I have as of late.

And if I put words on my person, that's going to be what it is.

That's mine.

I exist since high school.

Therefore, I am worthy.

Sadness flies away on the wings of time.

Things always get better.

Ooh.

That's good.

Maybe I'll just have to collect a whole bunch of them at once.

And so I'm maybe a little bit too much of a pussy, and I may, if I go for the phrase, like I'm going to end up with sadness.

There will be no D.

So instead, I want to get like...

The D is the best part.

I mean, I would agree, but me and Needles, like I passed out when I got my ears pierced, got me like 50% off, but that's fine.

Me and Needles, we don't go well together.

But I want a tattoo, so I'll go with a little bird, and that way I don't end up with sad.

I like everybody just flew past Rachael saying the D is the best part.

I was agreeable.

I would agree, but I'm not sure that it's worth it for the Needles that I would have to endure, especially if it's just the letter D on my body.

I would prefer the actual.

Then we could talk about it.

The real D.

Just so everybody knows, we're talking about the real down low.

Anna, say it like you say it.

Say it like you mean it.

Every time I think of Paul Rudd, I love Paul Rudd.

I swear that man doesn't age.

So we digress.

I think all of those takeaways.

Is your pin stuck in your hair again?

That is twice in case if anyone out there lost count.

Anna has now gotten her pin stuck in her hair two times.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Podcasting with pins.

We shouldn't.

The takeaway there is ought not.

At least for me.

Maybe all of us.

But anyway, I think, yeah, I think that was a really good kind of like second thought, right?

Second episode.

Yeah, that's cool.

We wrote our bios.

And everyone, in case you were curious, I did rewrite mine.

I know that that was a...

So the one you guys all saw is rewritten.

That is the rewritten.

Yeah, the one that's out there in the universe.

I think we have a pretty big goal to meet before we get to see the original one.

Before they get to see the original.

Emily set this goal.

May have set the bar really high.

It's alright.

It's okay.

It's cool.

Alright, everybody.

Well, I just want to thank you for listening.

And if you stick around, you're gonna hear the nonsense, the bloopers.

That's what's up next.

Anna talks about dicks.

How in God's name did Richard, the name Richard.

Become Dick?

Yeah.

Yeah, that one makes no sense.

You wouldn't know what my principal's name was?

Richard Adcock.

I'm sorry, you know it was not.

Yes, it was.

Richard Adcock.

Dirty.

Okay, no?

Okay, that was a Christina Aguilera reference, but that's the only lyric you're getting.

No other clues?

I mean, that's the name of the song, Trisa.

I know, Genie in a Bottle, Come on Over.

I know a lot of the Burlesque songs.

Oh, I fucking love that movie.

I was just talking about how much I love this movie and how I had the girl hook you.

I think it's great parenting.

How'd they feel about it?

I'm going to fold you up in there and put you in my trunk.

You like my back shot?

You like my back shot?

For what it's worth, it's doggy style.

And I didn't know that that's what it was called until my good What Will tell us about the other day?

friend, Kevin.

I said Cleveland Steamer.

No one knew what the fuck that meant.

And then somebody said, oh, it was Will, so I'm about a hot chili dog or some shit.

But I didn't quite understand that either.

Um, so on Will's birthday.

That was literally just yesterday, Trisa.

Yeah, yesterday.

I don't know what day it is.

I'm lost.

Yesterday.

Not a day long, long ago.

Yes, on Will's birthday, many moons ago, when I wore a younger man's clothes, Anna called him on lunch, and we were talking to him, and she said something about Cleveland steamering, and nobody knows what that means.

It literally means you shit on someone else's chest in the middle of sexy time.

Out of the very few inappropriate, like, weird fucking sex terms, I know, unfortunately, that's one that I learned in high school.

Not that I've ever been a part of it or experienced it or known anybody that was willing to admit that they were a part of it.

There was a girl who shat on clay.

No.

There it is.

We're not keeping this part of it.

We're definitely keeping this part.

All right.

Well, since I came up with his name backwards, um, insert two named boy here at my school, uh, she just straight up shat on his chest.

Straight up did it.

Was that consensual?

I mean, I don't think he was like, I don't see it coming.

You gotta like squat before you plop, my friend.

There's a little bit of forethought there, don't you think?

What if he thought that she was like sit on his face?

That seems like a sit on your face type thing.

You gotta squatty a little bit.

What a horrible surprise.

Yeah, let me be very clear.

It was not I thought you were gonna sit on my face, but actually, here's a pile of my shit.

Here's my poop.

That's disgusting.

Um, get close to me.

And I forgot to plug that last week, but I thought about that afterwards.

I did too.

So I was like, here's, here's the picture with the red curb.

Hey, Anna, who owns Red Curb?

Oh, gross.

Her name is Anna.

Oh, uh, if you are local to Indie or whatever, uh, producer Will of The Smiley Morning Show owns Red Curb Comedy.

I wasn't forcing your hand to stay where he worked during the day.

I more meant he's a nice benefactor that listens to all of our yammerings.

That's true.

That is true.

For now.

And he, like, he fixes all of our shit, man.

Like, when you guys listen to this episode, it sounds awesome and great.

And also he, like, is writing the jingle that will be played prior to this, and it's gonna be ridiculous and dumb.

Um, but, uh, he really is helpful and stuff, but gross.

I wouldn't tell him that, and if he's listening, I don't mean it.

It was a lie.

Anna's a liar.

Had you just said his name?

I would have done the rest.

Like everything I said?

No, about him being a nice benefactor of a human that listens to our shit.

I wouldn't have forced you to say nice things about him.

You have given him a lot of credit that I'm not comfortable with, so I just have to make sure that I give him the credit and then I take it away.

Feels fair.

I feel better about it